Joke Time- Honey be Strong!

[Farfromgeneva]

Never heard this 'Your Mama' joke before!

Making lemonade from lemons. I like it

[Jim Malone]

Trump dies and goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."






















The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Nigel]

Excellent Jim! Time to pile on!


At a very important large gathering, the Pope whispers to Donald Trump "I bet you $100 that with one wave of my hand I can make the crowd go ecstatic. It will be a celebration like you have never seen before Mr Trump".

Trump replies "I don't think so, one wave of your hand? I will be more than happy to take your $100. Now Show me!"

The Pope proceeds to slap him and the crowd goes bananas!

[Cletus]

I don’t know if I will call this a joke but I thought it was funny. I was leaving my barber this morning after a haircut. He said, “OK, take it easy – stay away from people.“

[Matnum PI]

Babies are funny.
https://twitter.com/RexChapman/status/1 ... 8388909059

[Jim Malone]

Me: "Doctor, doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor: "Can you describe the symptoms?"

Me: "Yes. Homer is fat and bald and Marge has blue hair."

[Jim Malone]

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[Jim Malone]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know,


















fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Brooklyn]

Trump dies and goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

... The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

[Jim Malone]

HOSPITAL Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your brother at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, "How much will a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a Democrat's brain; $200 for a Republican's brain."

The moment turned awkward. Some of the Democrats actually had to try not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the Republicans.

Another brother unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the Democrat's brain so much more than a Republican's brain"






















The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to price the Republicans' brains a lot lower because they're used."

[Jim Malone]

…his wife says, “Honey, one of the pipes in the upstairs bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”

The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”

A few days go by and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”

He says, “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”

Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof. Can you please fix it?”

He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”

The next day the husband comes home and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing and the car. He asks his wife what happened.

“Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says.

“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.

The wife says, “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.”

“The nerve of him! So, what kind of cake did you bake?” asks the husband.












“What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

[Jim Malone]

Hmm!

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[44WeWantMore]

To be fair, the top row includes the greatest mass-murderer in European history, an operator of internment camps, and a cheerleader for the British Empire. The bottom row are toddlers in comparison.

On topic:

Bill Cosby walks out of prison, gets on a bus, and rides it to a long rock wall. Next to a big oak tree, he finds a box with a letter inside. He follows the directions to a Mexican beach, where he finds Jeffrey Epstein working on his boat.

[OuttaNowhereWregget]

Some hilarious jokes in Louie Anderson's debut on Johnny Carson:

[Jim Malone]

The teacher in the USA gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved, blah blah blah ...

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie," she asked, "do you have a story to share?"

"Yes. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a fighter pilot with the Marine's in Syria.
Her aircraft got hit by enemy fire and she was forced to bail out over enemy territory.
All she had was a flask full of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank all the whiskey on the way down, in case it got confiscated by Muslims.

Then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 ISIS fighters.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife till the blade broke, and then she killed the last ISIS fighter with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens!,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you the moral to this horrible story actually was?"















"Stay the hell away from your Mother when she's been drinking!!”

[Nigel]

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on their honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by three rotations in jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on his towel.

“That was incredible," his new bride gushed.

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion."

"You see? I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps.

She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool.

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard.

“That was incredible! beamed her new husband. Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No,” she said,

“I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal."

[Nigel]

Larry, an avid hunter from Mississippi, walked into the local bar one evening and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.

Larry was undoubtedly a good shot, something all the locals knew.

However, on this evening, there was a hunter from out of state in the bar.

He told Larry, “If you’re such a good hunter, why don’t you prove it?”

Larry swigged his beer and said, “You’re on! Put a blindfold on me and I will still be able to recognize any animal’s skin and tell you how it was killed.”

“For every animal I get right, you buy me another beer. Deal?”

The other hunter thought that there was no way Larry could pull this off, so he agreed to the bet.

A small crowd was gathering around them, all excited to see how this would turn out.

The bartender put a blindfold on Larry and made sure that it was secure, and then they walked him over to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced,

“Bear, shot with a .308 rifle.”

The bar patrons gasped – he was right.

He was handed a glass of beer, which he downed straight away.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.

He took a bit longer this time and then said,

“Elk, shot with a 7mm mag rifle.”

He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner.

He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”

His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties.”

“Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced,”...

“Skunk, killed with an axe.”

[Jim Malone]

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[44WeWantMore]

[Ivyman]

BUMP. C'mon people! Nothing since August???